Sexuality and identity.

As you can read about me at the end of the rant at the page about me, I 'm gay.

My story concerning this part of my identity started in a way already from birth. Actually, it depends on the reader. I've always been calm, even as a child, I didn't run around like some maniac like most boys do. Instead I read, I painted, and was in general quite unfocused.

As I grew, I started to go to school, and I befriended this awesome guy in first grade (which still is a pretty chill personality).
But in second grade, my family moved to this small town on Iceland, because my dad wanted me and my brothers to learn Icelandic. The youngest one spoke Icelandic first, but has now nearly forgotten how, as his language skill still is on a five year old level. Anyway, back to the story, there I grew sorta fond of this girl, and in ways, I might have had the hots for her. But we moved to Reykjavik after a year because mom and the second youngest kept being bullied there.
When we came to the capital city, I soon got friends in Páll Karel, a guy in sorta the same situation as me, but rather the other way around. He lived in Iceland with an Estonian mom, whereas I mainly grew up in Norway with an Icelandic dad. And Halldór. Very cute as I remember him. Probably still quite cute. There was also the daughter of one of Iceland's most famous actor, and a girl who knew Norwegian as her father was Norwegian. I got sorta attached to her, because I could effectively communicate with her in a language the others didn't understand. I asked the embarrassing question of whether she'd dance with me. In fourth grade! I'd say that's pretty brave. There was a Helga in my, class, an Anna, Two or three Gunnars, each cooler than the next. And a Tomas. Also cute, and a real flirt. As I remember him, he'd be a flirt now. I lost contact with Páll and the rest when we moved back to Norway, but I still think fondly of the days.

Back in Norway, I returned to my class, give or take a couple new members, and then in sixth grade, we had our first sex-ed. So embarrassing. We learned what masturbation was, and I had to try it. I found this weird way of doing it to make me last longer doing it. But I found that regular, straight porn didn't quite work out the way I wanted it. I knew there had to be something alike, but only with men, and it worked.

Here it really starts. In retrospective, I've reached the conclusion that I got worried about that. I didn't want to admit that I liked boys way more than I liked girls. I actually used the girls I thought I'd liked on Iceland as an excuse to make me straight. I looked on different medical sites and sites aimed at teens to make me straight. I found one, but it still didn't change my desire for boys. I'll come back to this matter again a little later.

In Secondary School, I denied and joked with the others, and I just closed off looking at others in the beginning, but after a while I started to sorta look at this guy subconsciously, from one of the parallel classes. Simultaneously, I started to get friends, who happened to be in that same class as the aforementioned guy, and I tested the waters around my parents with hypothetical questions. It was a blast. I only got positive feedback, I got friends, and I grew bold. It all culminated into me coming out of the closet the fall I started in High School.

There was this guy on first day of school I just spotted as a gay person. The way he carried himself and how he dressed. I grew confident enough to ask the guy whether he was or not, which led to my isolation in that matter, I was attracted to him, but he was a cold turkey because I scared the apeshit out of the guy as I asked. I was so straight-acting, he didn't realize I really was gay and wasn't going to hurt him until I was gone away on my exchange year. He'd wondered that whole year when I was going to hit him and laugh in his face. When I came back, He'd changed and was way more merry, and now he was so confident he dared talk to me. Anyway, as I wrote earlier, I came out in the beginning in High School.
This is the equivalent of the 11th year in a 13 year school attendance, roughly the Junior year in the US. In Norway, usually we divide schools into 1st to 7th, 8th-10th and 11th-12th/13th. Some places, it's 1st-10th and 11th-12th/13th, and others though this is very uncommon, 1st-7th and 8th-13th.
So, I'd changed school and gotten divided from my friends by choice of school, and I met this gay person at school. As I was practicing driving for the first time with my dad, I got some time to think, and all the puzzle fell in place. I couldn't deny it anymore. I was gay. As the topic of conversation turned onto the subject of girls, I admitted to liking boys more than girls, whereat he asked if I was sure, and he said that no matter what, he loved me unconditionally, and would support me either way. I started to come out to friends, and everybody I knew. I boldly stated on Messenger that I was gay. It felt awkward  for a little while, but I soon got used to it. I was so full of pride. To this day, not once have I heard one negative comment on that matter of me.

When I went to Brazil, it came to a skidding halt. I'd embarrassed some guy by staring at him, and I didn't realize. I was grounded so hard, I still have some problems keeping eye contact in safe arenas. I've become so straight-acting that I can't flisrt properly the way most gay men do. I came back from exchange, and I got my first boyfriend. It didn't work out as there was a three year difference and he was a tad too immature, but we're on good terms.

In the Nordic countries, we use the word homophile and heterophile to describe gay and straight, from Greek Philia meaning "attraction to", Greek Homo meaning "same" and Greek Hetero meaning "other" and homo- and heterosexual about what you do in bed. We use the terms this way because in medical studies, what you do in bed don't always match up with how you identify. A man who identifies as straight, or heterophile may from time to time be homosexual. He is still straight, but in a questionaire, information may be lost due to people assuming based on said identity.

The fact that I was fond of girls in Primary School has made me supportive of the theory that one's sexuality can change over time, and that you are at any point on a scale from 100% Straight to 100% Gay (it's sorta like pH and pOH, where it's neutral in the middle for both). So, you can be straight in one period, and then happen to fall in love with someone of the same sex and end up being with that one person for the next periods to come. Or, be gay and end up with a woman, alternatively stick to one preference your whole life.

My point is, who you fall in love with shouldn't matter. I simply wish everybody in the whole world, every single member of humanity could be bi, because it would implicate that it's been like that from the start, and therefore as natural as being straight is today (being gay and bi is still natural, but not as accepted worldwide as straight is). It wouldn't lead to any discrimination based on this. Likewise, if everybody stuck to Buddhism, it would be awesome too, as Buddhists have a more open mind about things as they're reminded regularly not to judge others. There's a reason for everything, and what you do in life results in whether you reach nirvana or not.

Now in June 2013, I've been through a couple of relationships and enough one-night-stands to know that one-night-stands is not for me. As long as I'm single, it'll happen, but for me, it's just to satisfy one of humans basic needs. I'm not into casual sex. I've read about first experiences so often that to me, sex should be valued as something happening as a way of communicating ones love for another individual. I'm told I'm quite masculine in spite of McHammerpants and feathers in ear, So I'm assuming it's my self-confidence that gives the impression of masculine. I'm attracted to chisled and strong men with hair on their chests, but wits and personality is often more of a turn on to me in the end than looks. All in all, if your profile shows a smiling face of your self, you can be sure I'll take a liking to you in some way or another. Be proud of yourself. If you're not gay, that's ok. You're a beautiful person either way.